“I cannot know it…”

Last month my daughter, very ceremoniously, turned 4. As we were cleaning up the leftover cake and sucking the helium out of the last ballon, I asked her what 4 was going to be like….She looked at me blankly and after a long pause said “I cannot know it” in that weird, disjointed way most 4-year-olds say things.  I giggled and kept cleaning.  

Her birthday reminded me that my own was coming up. In a few weeks, I’ll be turning 40. The big 4-0! An age I remember my dad turning. At the time, he seemed so ancient to me, with all of his “over the hill” garb, a funny black cane, and a look on his face like he was the butt of life’s biggest joke…That someday it will all end. 

My thirties were a blur:  A divorce, a marriage, two (amazing) children, three moves, a major home renovation, eight countries, countless states, a career change, a pandemic, and the passing of some very special people. It was a full decade-and somehow, just a blink…It’s funny how both can be true.

My birthday on the horizon has given me a lot to think about. Time is moving, in case I’d forgotten. This part of my life has served up a “busy” that a younger me could’ve never comprehended.  My list is literally endless. Sometimes I think to myself, “if I could just stop time for a bit and get all of this done…then there would just be something else.” And, I’m right! There is no way I can “do it all”. Life is big and busy with no guarantees on when the ride is going to end. I can clean my floors all day and someone will be home soon to track in leaves. For that, I am grateful. I’m lucky to have had a big, busy, decade and I’m hoping for another one. I feel like these milestone birthdays are a good time to “renew your vows” with the world. For me, that means, to BE IN IT! I’ll give my kids an extra book at the end of a long day. Stay in touch with old friends. Go on dates with my husband, even when Netflix and scrolling on my phone seems easier.  I’ll visit my parents and bury the hatchet with my sister. I’ll roll over in the morning to snuggle with the dog, who is officially, older than me.  I’ll get a membership at the pottery studio I’ve been wanting to join. I’ll take pride in my work and add “extra touches” to my client’s portfolio reviews. I’ll make dinners from scratch, grow a beautiful garden and handwrite thank you notes…Looks like I’m going to be busy!

I imagine that after a very unceremonious (Tuesday) birthday, my daughter and I will be sitting around, splitting the last piece of cake and taking down the streamers that I put up.  She will tuck herself under my arm and say “Mom, what do you think 40 will be like”? And with all the wisdom of a 4-year-old girl, I will say, “I cannot know it, but I’ll be ready”.